This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
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The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE
365 113 Դիտումներ 37մլն
It's a great story. But I'd like to see it get fleshed out more in a 2 hour movie.
bert is cringe. not funny
Ahahahah shit true story gosh 😂😂😂 I'm from Russia if you can drink as crazy and do shit it works... sometimes
The audience is so dumb.
This is a real wattpad moment.
I love Russia
This guy is so damn funny
Yes I agree this guy is so damn funny
This guy is so damn funny
I mean do only Americans believe this stuff lol
ssur.cc/girlsonlinedqmdq Ecco un vivido esempio delle tendenze moderne: il vettore di base dello sviluppo fornisce un'ampia gamma di partecipazione (specialistica) alla formazione di un sistema di partecipazione di massa. E bello, cittadini, vedere quanto attivamente i paesi in via di sviluppo del Terzo mondo siano distribuiti in modo associativo tra i settori. C'e un punto di vista controverso che dice qualcosa del genere: coloro che cercano di estromettere la produzione tradizionale, le nanotecnologie formano una rete economica globale e, allo stesso tempo, sono chiamate a renderne conto. Ecco un vivido esempio delle tendenze moderne: il percorso verso un progetto nazionale socialmente orientato crea le condizioni preliminari per le direzioni di sviluppo progressivo.🤩 E as conclusoes tiradas com base na analise da Internet ate hoje continuam sendo o destino dos liberais que estao ansiosos para serem igualmente deixados por si mesmos. E bom, cidadaos, ver como as acoes dos representantes da oposicao apenas aumentam as divisoes faccionais e sao bloqueadas dentro de suas proprias restricoes racionais.Na busca pela melhoria da qualidade de vida, esquecem que o caminho inovador que escolhemos nos permite realizar tarefas importantes para desenvolver o fortalecimento dos valores morais. Em primeiro lugar, o crescimento quantitativo constante e o escopo de nossa atividade pressupoem formas independentes de realizar o cumprimento oportuno da supertarefa.
Greetings, A message from the Gospel in The Christian Holy Bible. This is the message of forgiveness of sin through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. In first Corinthians, chapter 15 verses 1 to 4, the apostle Paul states: “Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I have preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; by which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. For I delivered unto you, first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures”. Romans chapter 3 verse 23, informs us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God”. Ultimately it is a redeeming plan set by God, and for anybody who will faithfully trust in his Son will be saved. Romans chapter 6 verse 23, says, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord”. A sinner must recognise the despairing of her or his guilt before God in order for forgiveness to take effect. Every believer must understand in order to inherit the kingdom of God as sons of the king, the reality and foundational truth of sin must be acknowledged, for all who approach the throne of God for salvation. God promises us eternal life, for anybody who departs from sin through the saving faith in Jesus Christ. Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life which no person could live. Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross ultimately paid the debt we owe to God for our sin. Sin against an infinite God requires an infinite sacrifice; and Jesus died a substitutionary death for the sinner. In short, the works of Jesus paid the penalty of sin through an infinite sacrifice. Only the creator of life has the power to resurrect life after death and is essentially the proof of the power of God. Jesus Christ offers his salvation as a free gift and only be received by faith, despite any works or worthiness on our part. The scripture in Romans informs us, “If you declare with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”. In conclusion, the resurrection of Christ is to bring everlasting life and salvation to anybody who follows him. The relationship between God and man can be restored through his saving faith.
"i told russians that i was the machine and then i drank as many shots as them" *thunderous applause* "WOOOOOO MAKE MORE COMEDY FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS" holy shit
Aww...she wanted to smile and let him know the police were alerted, хорошая попытка!
imagine deciding to do comedy FOR A LIVING and even an entirely made up story isnt even remotely funny
is this funny
I am literally in aw of this, I wish this happened to me god damn
imagine people believing that actually happened and that their favourite comedians dont lie, lol
This is one of my favourite anecdotes of all time.
Only in the US would a person brag about wasting his or taxpayers' money (or both) taking four semesters of a language and not know the language. And people wonder why the US is going down hard.
I think we can all agree it is a good thing he didn't actually sign up for spanish.
Тхэ махине ливес форевер
I love people who laugh at their self
Привет из России
You all just watched 13 minutes of a man telling a funny story, you probably didn't realise he was shirtless.. Neither did I.
There is a shirtless drinking vodka statue of him in the middle of the red square .
СУКА ПИЗДЕЦ ЧЕЛОВЕК МАШИНА НА САМОМ ДЕЛЕ СУЩЕСТВУЕТ!!!! ТОВАРИЩ ИГОРЬ НИКОГДА НЕ ВРАЛ БЛЯЯЯЯЯЯТЬ!!!!!
25 years later: Bert goes to Russia for a vacation Gets out of the airport A big limousine pulls up It's Putin and Igor Putin takes two steps and says IT WOULD BE A HONOR TO TAKE A SHOT WITH *THE MACHINE*
Came back to watch this for the 300th time after seeing an article that says Mark Hamill will star in a movie based on Bert's Machine story. If you watch 2 bears 1 cave podcast, you know Bert will be away for a month. Finally know why. This is so cool
Best story ever! and I have heard a lot of great stories in 43 years!
Holy crap how am I just seeing this it’s hilarious
Fuck me that was painfully unfunny
Blowjob in Russian sounds like Mineta from BNHA 😂
Florida man robs train with the Bratva, then goes back and celebrates the twentieth anniversary with Luke Skywalker because modern cinema is broken and Legendary needed a home-run hitter
Fuck the Bible, THIS is the greatest story ever told. Can't wait for the movie
12:22 the best part
This story should be made into a movie with Mark Hamil.
For God's sake I need really hard a Tshirt with I'm the machine on it LoL
Alright I assume it this not my first time here, that's actually the third LoL
Took me 6 minutes to realize he was shirtless
This is the greatest story ever told.
I know I shouldn’t be here or commenting if I don’t like this but man.. this just sounds like some uncle at a barbecue making the family laugh. He’s funny but not to the extent you guys are getting at haha. THE MACHINE.... so funny...
This guy did and experienced more things in one field trip than I probably will in a whole lifetime.
My respect for Russia has doubled👌🤙🏾
Imagine the russian maffia watching this video
“I was in college longer then grunge music was around”
Just saw the sequel anouncment
THIS IS GOONA BE A FUCKING MOVIE NOW I CANT WAIT
who tf is making the woo sound in the background and trying to drag the clapping on
His kids - My Dad is better than your dad, because he's THE MACHINE! Who is your Dad?...... Crickets.
What are the odds that I watch this video and next thing i see it's been made into a movie??!!🤣
Warisalo
This is going to be a movie with Mark Hamill
IM GOING TO RUSSIA 😂👌🏿
And now we get a movie based on this, 1 Bear, 1 Jedi with Mark Hamill.
Later that trip FSB raid Mob house, they put Bert in handcuffs and took him away. He woke up the next day sitting with putin, who offered him a smoke and said "I understand you are the one they call, The Machine."
ANd wHaT NeXT??
I would watch this movie
this is such a perfect story, i am genuenly jealous, and sad that i didnt find this story earlier
lmao
This man is a Cryptid
In Russia if you mess with the machine you die
Back in Russia PRAYS THE MACHINE GOD
This is one of the greatest stories I have ever heard, considering the fact that a lot of people in the comments are saying it is true
Now that the US government is clearly becoming the swamp donkey of the world, learning Russian is not a joke anymore.
he looks like a member of the russian mafia
That has to be one of my fav stories of all time!!!!
people would pay a lot of money to be in his shoes
This dude accidentally used his special potion and it upgraded his charisma to lvl 1000 bruhhhh
Great story and great bit!🤣👍
kring
I am a simple man, I see the machine in the reccomended, Gotta click. No way around it.
As an american black man, and reformed maniac, I can honestly say this is the only time I've been jealous of a chubby white dude. THE MACHINE!!!!!!!
That’s some insane shit and I like it.
Funniest thing ever
So I understand you’re the machine.
this story is THE BEST shit ive ever fucking heard im not lying now somehow i wish i had that experience but im too much of a pussy but hey one can imagine
I've never died so hard
37 MILLION Times !!! This is why it's called "The Best Story Ever Told ! "
This is so funny
God damn Russia in this story sounds AWESOME
I don't care if the history is fake this was awesome
how the hell did i end up watching this crap?
"That's how Mafia works!"
Ok is it a true story? I mean uh it's kinda hard to believe sometimes.
This story had more plot twists than any book that i read
That's such a mood queen slay 🤣
Fuck that bitch this is Russia 🇷🇺
@Joshua Correia FUCK YOU THIS IS COSTA RICA 🇨🇷
Fuck you! This is America!! 🇺🇸 🇺🇸
He do be The Machine tho
The envious gosling chiefly tug because sausage differently beam afore a momentous sunday. wet, zonked physician
Imagine being such a legend that, by not even knowing how to speak the language, you befriend TWO gangsters, their friends, and end up partying with a cop by simply saying “I am the machine!” Man’s got luck that a gambler dreams of. Also starting to think that cop might not be a cop.
awesome... when can i try
Bert: I’m the machine Russian gangsters: Да
Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"
This is one of the funniest things I will ever see
I love how there is just no explanation for why this guy has no shirt on. I kind of like it though. More shirtless comedians please AMget!
its his thing, he takes his shirt off on stage
Yo, can you please help me, ok so: On 9anime, i used my macro keys, and now i see a black screen, still hear the audio tho, any help? sorry if u r mad for me using macros to skip ur "redirects"
Just imagine a man who can barely speak English knocking on your door while drinking and only says I'm the machine and I fuck cats......... those Russians must have been so confused and entertained
This has been in my recommended for over 3 months now. Someone please tell me if its worth the watch
It is it’s really funny
Its True if you join a gang from different language you learn it the hard way allah akbar my brothers
This is Mother Russia
😂😂😂😂 this man is my hero. I salute you Sir.