The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

365 113 Դիտումներ 37մլն
Ֆիլմ և անիմացիա

This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
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  1. The Full D
    The Full D
    2 ժամ առաջ

    It's a great story. But I'd like to see it get fleshed out more in a 2 hour movie.

  2. bobmoore20
    4 ժամ առաջ

    bert is cringe. not funny

  3. Greg Risen
    Greg Risen
    7 ժամ առաջ

    Ahahahah shit true story gosh 😂😂😂 I'm from Russia if you can drink as crazy and do shit it works... sometimes

  4. brainwashedliberals
    8 ժամ առաջ

    The audience is so dumb.

  5. Riri Chan
    Riri Chan
    13 ժամ առաջ

    This is a real wattpad moment.

  6. henry vincent
    henry vincent
    17 ժամ առաջ

    I love Russia

  7. Dustin Davenport
    Dustin Davenport
    Օր առաջ

    This guy is so damn funny

    1. Dustin Davenport
      Dustin Davenport
      Օր առաջ

      Yes I agree this guy is so damn funny

  8. Dustin Davenport
    Dustin Davenport
    Օր առաջ

    This guy is so damn funny

  9. Crus Russ
    Crus Russ
    Օր առաջ

    I mean do only Americans believe this stuff lol

  10. Camille White
    Camille White
    Օր առաջ Ecco un vivido esempio delle tendenze moderne: il vettore di base dello sviluppo fornisce un'ampia gamma di partecipazione (specialistica) alla formazione di un sistema di partecipazione di massa. E bello, cittadini, vedere quanto attivamente i paesi in via di sviluppo del Terzo mondo siano distribuiti in modo associativo tra i settori. C'e un punto di vista controverso che dice qualcosa del genere: coloro che cercano di estromettere la produzione tradizionale, le nanotecnologie formano una rete economica globale e, allo stesso tempo, sono chiamate a renderne conto. Ecco un vivido esempio delle tendenze moderne: il percorso verso un progetto nazionale socialmente orientato crea le condizioni preliminari per le direzioni di sviluppo progressivo.🤩 E as conclusoes tiradas com base na analise da Internet ate hoje continuam sendo o destino dos liberais que estao ansiosos para serem igualmente deixados por si mesmos. E bom, cidadaos, ver como as acoes dos representantes da oposicao apenas aumentam as divisoes faccionais e sao bloqueadas dentro de suas proprias restricoes racionais.Na busca pela melhoria da qualidade de vida, esquecem que o caminho inovador que escolhemos nos permite realizar tarefas importantes para desenvolver o fortalecimento dos valores morais. Em primeiro lugar, o crescimento quantitativo constante e o escopo de nossa atividade pressupoem formas independentes de realizar o cumprimento oportuno da supertarefa.

  11. Anthony Brown
    Anthony Brown
    Օր առաջ

    Greetings, A message from the Gospel in The Christian Holy Bible. This is the message of forgiveness of sin through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. In first Corinthians, chapter 15 verses 1 to 4, the apostle Paul states: “Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I have preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; by which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. For I delivered unto you, first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures”. Romans chapter 3 verse 23, informs us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God”. Ultimately it is a redeeming plan set by God, and for anybody who will faithfully trust in his Son will be saved. Romans chapter 6 verse 23, says, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord”. A sinner must recognise the despairing of her or his guilt before God in order for forgiveness to take effect. Every believer must understand in order to inherit the kingdom of God as sons of the king, the reality and foundational truth of sin must be acknowledged, for all who approach the throne of God for salvation. God promises us eternal life, for anybody who departs from sin through the saving faith in Jesus Christ. Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life which no person could live. Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross ultimately paid the debt we owe to God for our sin. Sin against an infinite God requires an infinite sacrifice; and Jesus died a substitutionary death for the sinner. In short, the works of Jesus paid the penalty of sin through an infinite sacrifice. Only the creator of life has the power to resurrect life after death and is essentially the proof of the power of God. Jesus Christ offers his salvation as a free gift and only be received by faith, despite any works or worthiness on our part. The scripture in Romans informs us, “If you declare with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”. In conclusion, the resurrection of Christ is to bring everlasting life and salvation to anybody who follows him. The relationship between God and man can be restored through his saving faith.

  12. christdolphin69
    Օր առաջ

    "i told russians that i was the machine and then i drank as many shots as them" *thunderous applause* "WOOOOOO MAKE MORE COMEDY FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS" holy shit

  13. Timberwolf
    Օր առաջ

    Aww...she wanted to smile and let him know the police were alerted, хорошая попытка!

  14. christdolphin69
    Օր առաջ

    imagine deciding to do comedy FOR A LIVING and even an entirely made up story isnt even remotely funny

  15. christdolphin69
    Օր առաջ

    is this funny

  16. Kyle
    Օր առաջ

    I am literally in aw of this, I wish this happened to me god damn

  17. Julian J
    Julian J
    2 օր առաջ

    imagine people believing that actually happened and that their favourite comedians dont lie, lol

  18. offbrandbiscuit
    2 օր առաջ

    This is one of my favourite anecdotes of all time.

  19. Vaipercoatl Ilhuicamina
    Vaipercoatl Ilhuicamina
    2 օր առաջ

    Only in the US would a person brag about wasting his or taxpayers' money (or both) taking four semesters of a language and not know the language. And people wonder why the US is going down hard.

  20. Avi Gibler
    Avi Gibler
    2 օր առաջ

    I think we can all agree it is a good thing he didn't actually sign up for spanish.

  21. Вo Чревченко
    Вo Чревченко
    2 օր առաջ

    Тхэ махине ливес форевер

  22. Eva DeStefano
    Eva DeStefano
    2 օր առաջ

    I love people who laugh at their self

  23. Святослав Устякин
    Святослав Устякин
    2 օր առաջ

    Привет из России

  24. Feelix
    2 օր առաջ

    You all just watched 13 minutes of a man telling a funny story, you probably didn't realise he was shirtless.. Neither did I.

  25. آرمین امینی
    آرمین امینی
    2 օր առաջ

    There is a shirtless drinking vodka statue of him in the middle of the red square .

  26. Shpinat 24
    Shpinat 24
    3 օր առաջ


  27. Saad Rauf
    Saad Rauf
    3 օր առաջ

    25 years later: Bert goes to Russia for a vacation Gets out of the airport A big limousine pulls up It's Putin and Igor Putin takes two steps and says IT WOULD BE A HONOR TO TAKE A SHOT WITH *THE MACHINE*

  28. Louis Rodriguez
    Louis Rodriguez
    3 օր առաջ

    Came back to watch this for the 300th time after seeing an article that says Mark Hamill will star in a movie based on Bert's Machine story. If you watch 2 bears 1 cave podcast, you know Bert will be away for a month. Finally know why. This is so cool

  29. 187nellybelly
    3 օր առաջ

    Best story ever! and I have heard a lot of great stories in 43 years!

  30. Griff Tube
    Griff Tube
    3 օր առաջ

    Holy crap how am I just seeing this it’s hilarious

  31. H
    3 օր առաջ

    Fuck me that was painfully unfunny

  32. Hello There
    Hello There
    3 օր առաջ

    Blowjob in Russian sounds like Mineta from BNHA 😂

  33. fives.
    3 օր առաջ

    Florida man robs train with the Bratva, then goes back and celebrates the twentieth anniversary with Luke Skywalker because modern cinema is broken and Legendary needed a home-run hitter

  34. Shaun Sway
    Shaun Sway
    3 օր առաջ

    Fuck the Bible, THIS is the greatest story ever told. Can't wait for the movie

  35. jake jojo
    jake jojo
    3 օր առաջ

    12:22 the best part

  36. DISnut
    3 օր առաջ

    This story should be made into a movie with Mark Hamil.

  37. Sr. R
    Sr. R
    3 օր առաջ

    For God's sake I need really hard a Tshirt with I'm the machine on it LoL

  38. Sr. R
    Sr. R
    3 օր առաջ

    Alright I assume it this not my first time here, that's actually the third LoL

  39. JNY Y
    JNY Y
    3 օր առաջ

    Took me 6 minutes to realize he was shirtless

  40. PsPeet
    3 օր առաջ

    This is the greatest story ever told.

  41. Bruce Wayne
    Bruce Wayne
    3 օր առաջ

    I know I shouldn’t be here or commenting if I don’t like this but man.. this just sounds like some uncle at a barbecue making the family laugh. He’s funny but not to the extent you guys are getting at haha. THE MACHINE.... so funny...

  42. Sora Tatami
    Sora Tatami
    3 օր առաջ

    This guy did and experienced more things in one field trip than I probably will in a whole lifetime.

  43. DJ SCR34M1NGH0ST
    4 օր առաջ

    My respect for Russia has doubled👌🤙🏾

  44. Ferenc Buda
    Ferenc Buda
    4 օր առաջ

    Imagine the russian maffia watching this video

  45. K.D .T
    K.D .T
    4 օր առաջ

    “I was in college longer then grunge music was around”

  46. Luca Santos
    Luca Santos
    4 օր առաջ

    Just saw the sequel anouncment

  47. Jay Gatsby
    Jay Gatsby
    4 օր առաջ


  48. Just Some Guy
    Just Some Guy
    4 օր առաջ

    who tf is making the woo sound in the background and trying to drag the clapping on

  49. Lonewolf Fisherman
    Lonewolf Fisherman
    4 օր առաջ

    His kids - My Dad is better than your dad, because he's THE MACHINE! Who is your Dad?...... Crickets.

  50. Emmanuel Onuegbu
    Emmanuel Onuegbu
    4 օր առաջ

    What are the odds that I watch this video and next thing i see it's been made into a movie??!!🤣

  51. Hussain bux
    Hussain bux
    4 օր առաջ


  52. TheSpiderByte
    4 օր առաջ

    This is going to be a movie with Mark Hamill

  53. Black Samurai
    Black Samurai
    4 օր առաջ


  54. ARKHAMxMaverick
    4 օր առաջ

    And now we get a movie based on this, 1 Bear, 1 Jedi with Mark Hamill.

  55. Infernos Gaming
    Infernos Gaming
    4 օր առաջ

    Later that trip FSB raid Mob house, they put Bert in handcuffs and took him away. He woke up the next day sitting with putin, who offered him a smoke and said "I understand you are the one they call, The Machine."

    1. your_favorite_proxy
      4 օր առաջ

      ANd wHaT NeXT??

  56. J.G Czaricit
    J.G Czaricit
    4 օր առաջ

    I would watch this movie

  57. Flek Andre
    Flek Andre
    4 օր առաջ

    this is such a perfect story, i am genuenly jealous, and sad that i didnt find this story earlier

  58. IIIll IIIll
    IIIll IIIll
    4 օր առաջ


  59. PheonixWeaver
    4 օր առաջ

    This man is a Cryptid

  60. N H Tan
    N H Tan
    4 օր առաջ

    In Russia if you mess with the machine you die

  61. N H Tan
    N H Tan
    4 օր առաջ

    Back in Russia PRAYS THE MACHINE GOD

  62. Stairway to heaven
    Stairway to heaven
    4 օր առաջ

    This is one of the greatest stories I have ever heard, considering the fact that a lot of people in the comments are saying it is true

  63. Jo sH
    Jo sH
    4 օր առաջ

    Now that the US government is clearly becoming the swamp donkey of the world, learning Russian is not a joke anymore.

  64. GamingAssault
    4 օր առաջ

    he looks like a member of the russian mafia

  65. Jennie Faust
    Jennie Faust
    4 օր առաջ

    That has to be one of my fav stories of all time!!!!

  66. Paul Beacall
    Paul Beacall
    4 օր առաջ

    people would pay a lot of money to be in his shoes

  67. Lego Wisdom Maker Man
    Lego Wisdom Maker Man
    4 օր առաջ

    This dude accidentally used his special potion and it upgraded his charisma to lvl 1000 bruhhhh

  68. Pale Amigo
    Pale Amigo
    5 օր առաջ

    Great story and great bit!🤣👍

  69. Blue Raven Videos
    Blue Raven Videos
    5 օր առաջ


  70. girrrrrrr2
    5 օր առաջ

    I am a simple man, I see the machine in the reccomended, Gotta click. No way around it.

  71. Finished!!!!!!
    5 օր առաջ

    As an american black man, and reformed maniac, I can honestly say this is the only time I've been jealous of a chubby white dude. THE MACHINE!!!!!!!

  72. Dingus Is Pingus
    Dingus Is Pingus
    5 օր առաջ

    That’s some insane shit and I like it.

  73. Peter
    5 օր առաջ

    Funniest thing ever

  74. Tom Tom
    Tom Tom
    5 օր առաջ

    So I understand you’re the machine.

  75. lavender empress
    lavender empress
    5 օր առաջ

    this story is THE BEST shit ive ever fucking heard im not lying now somehow i wish i had that experience but im too much of a pussy but hey one can imagine

  76. CrazyNoodles
    5 օր առաջ

    I've never died so hard

  77. Scotty D
    Scotty D
    5 օր առաջ

    37 MILLION Times !!! This is why it's called "The Best Story Ever Told ! "

  78. The Kangaroo
    The Kangaroo
    6 օր առաջ

    This is so funny

  79. steamerfan221
    6 օր առաջ

    God damn Russia in this story sounds AWESOME

  80. Rafael Luquez
    Rafael Luquez
    6 օր առաջ

    I don't care if the history is fake this was awesome

  81. Smokey420Greenleaf
    6 օր առաջ

    how the hell did i end up watching this crap?

  82. Megumin
    6 օր առաջ

    "That's how Mafia works!"

    6 օր առաջ

    Ok is it a true story? I mean uh it's kinda hard to believe sometimes.

  84. Lightilrion
    6 օր առաջ

    This story had more plot twists than any book that i read

  85. garfield the cat
    garfield the cat
    6 օր առաջ

    That's such a mood queen slay 🤣

  86. T
    7 օր առաջ

    Fuck that bitch this is Russia 🇷🇺

    1. Afriggin Idiot
      Afriggin Idiot
      5 օր առաջ

      @Joshua Correia FUCK YOU THIS IS COSTA RICA 🇨🇷

    2. Joshua Correia
      Joshua Correia
      6 օր առաջ

      Fuck you! This is America!! 🇺🇸 🇺🇸

    7 օր առաջ

    He do be The Machine tho

  88. Bertha Miller
    Bertha Miller
    7 օր առաջ

    The envious gosling chiefly tug because sausage differently beam afore a momentous sunday. wet, zonked physician

  89. Nicholas Williams
    Nicholas Williams
    7 օր առաջ

    Imagine being such a legend that, by not even knowing how to speak the language, you befriend TWO gangsters, their friends, and end up partying with a cop by simply saying “I am the machine!” Man’s got luck that a gambler dreams of. Also starting to think that cop might not be a cop.

  90. B BOI
    B BOI
    7 օր առաջ

    awesome... when can i try

  91. big peen energy
    big peen energy
    7 օր առաջ

    Bert: I’m the machine Russian gangsters: Да

  92. Texasgirl 1344
    Texasgirl 1344
    7 օր առաջ

    Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"

  93. Toddd aduckinabus
    Toddd aduckinabus
    7 օր առաջ

    This is one of the funniest things I will ever see

  94. Lazy Belphegore
    Lazy Belphegore
    7 օր առաջ

    I love how there is just no explanation for why this guy has no shirt on. I kind of like it though. More shirtless comedians please AMget!

    1. Happy Matter
      Happy Matter
      4 օր առաջ

      its his thing, he takes his shirt off on stage

  95. XenoLycanThrope
    7 օր առաջ

    Yo, can you please help me, ok so: On 9anime, i used my macro keys, and now i see a black screen, still hear the audio tho, any help? sorry if u r mad for me using macros to skip ur "redirects"

  96. Corbyn Belliveau
    Corbyn Belliveau
    7 օր առաջ

    Just imagine a man who can barely speak English knocking on your door while drinking and only says I'm the machine and I fuck cats......... those Russians must have been so confused and entertained

  97. Nuvirex
    7 օր առաջ

    This has been in my recommended for over 3 months now. Someone please tell me if its worth the watch

    1. Afriggin Idiot
      Afriggin Idiot
      5 օր առաջ

      It is it’s really funny

  98. BlackPes
    8 օր առաջ

    Its True if you join a gang from different language you learn it the hard way allah akbar my brothers

  99. CorCor 1212
    CorCor 1212
    8 օր առաջ

    This is Mother Russia

  100. Dustin Hammock
    Dustin Hammock
    8 օր առաջ

    😂😂😂😂 this man is my hero. I salute you Sir.